Thursday, January 28, 2010

Funny little thing called life...

It can be stressful and blissful all at once. It can be ugly and beautiful at the same time. Sometimes some of the easiest decisions are made at some of the hardest points in your life. Sometimes something wonderfuly, unexpected happens and possibly resparks the hope you thought was long gone. Even if those wonderfuly, unexpected things are only moments in time, there is somethings strong and tangible that stays w/ you and helps you see things a little clearer.
No one really knows how to navigate life. I mean really,there's no one handbook or set of guidlines...there's thousands of them. There are so many different ways to live life apparently, it's gotten everyone SO dang confused. And then to mess up...oh heaven forbid you mess up your life! Really that fits into the category of "anything that isn't picture perfect"...right? Aren't we conditioned to see life as being a perfect sequence of events leading us to outstanding and unending happiness?? And then to miss that mark leaves us feeling like we've gone and messed it all up...even if that's not the case.
Obviously life isn't picture perfect! It's not all rainbows and butterflies and EVERYONE know it...that doesn' mean that we let ourselves off the hook when it's our own mistakes. But we should! Live and learn! Learn to forgive, to let go, to love, to pray, to ask for help, to be strong and independant, to expect nothing but be thankful for everything. Be thankful for those tangible moments that make you feel happy and thankful and hopeful...and then smile and breath and know that you WILL mess up again. But that's not the point, it's only a minor detail!

Monday, December 28, 2009

When life hands you lemons...

Bitch and mope about it until you feel better...OR until the freaking life lesson appears magically and changes your perspective. I'm a moper. Yep, and a bitcher.(pat myself on the back...I'm so proud!) Totally true and shameful I admit. My only saving grace is the fact that I do it all, or most of it (roughly 95.63895% hehehe) internally! WARNING: I could possibly at ANY moment cumbust from the frightening tension of all the bitching and moping going on inside my head/heart right now!!! Now that you've been fairly warned please be reassured that I really am, for the most part, a really easy-go-lucky type of a girl!! Really, I am. But on those, rare occasions that something in my life goes wrong or seems unfair, my first response is to feel jipped. Like I'm this poor, little victim and life is SOOOOOO unfair. Boo, frickin, hoo Acacia!!! SERIOUSLY!?! Seriously, life could be sooooooooooooo much worse. And I know that...I do! And I drive myself crazy, all the time with all this internal bitching and moping....grrrr!

**Thought...I may be on the brink of my above mentioned freaking life lesson!**

Maybe this is the point in my life where I realize this weak, annoying self trait and I take a deep breath, suck it up and stop feeling like a victim. Poor me, I wasn't a Daddy's girl...over, done w/ and can't change it. What I can do is make sure I have as good of a relationship w/ my Dad as I can and appreciate it. Poor me, nobody told me marriage would suck...SO?!?!? I can deal w/ it or SHUT the EFF up right?? RIGHT!!! Poor me, I drive a mini van and would rather drive a volvo...but I have a vehicle, therefore I am thankful...mostly w/ only a hint of resentment that I was given no choice over my vehicle situation...only a hint!! ;) Poor me, I'm so bitchy and mopey...why can't I be all sunshine and butterflies like so and so...Huh?!?!? Insert tmi here...found out I've got a hormonal imbalance...I know, sounds FUN doesn't it? Not the, I'm depressed, blue, sad, type of imbalance...but the I can't lose those 10 sticky lbs, face like a 16 yr old boy, cysts on my ovaries type of imbalance. Appointment w/ specialist (oooo fancy!!) pending...I probably wont update y'all but you never know! So anyways, sarcasm and strong, angry undertones aside...I really do know that life could be worse! And I REALLY do appreciate my fantastic friends, my warm house, my cuddly, PERFECTLY PERFECT new puppy Lincoln, my funny family, my tear ducts for releasing some of this "whoa is me" salty sentiment...I really do acknowledge my utter blessings in the form of my three beautiful, healthy, smart, fabulously wonderful children!!! And just fyi...lemons really had nothing to do w/ this blog lol...but I needed a title and you all got the point now didn't you!! :)

Thursday, December 10, 2009

I am...

Cold So, so very cold! And soooo very over this time of year already. Go ahead, call me a scrooge. I think, for now at least, it's befitting...sad to say.

Sleepy Tired actually of so many things. Like, being cold. And christmas music, and below freezing temps, and hearing every other day that it's going to snow soon...NOOOOO! Please, for the love of all things holy, DO NOT snow. (I can hear all of you yelling "SCROOGE"'s ok!)

BUT...I am also...

Thankful for my cozy boots that save my poor toes from freezing because I would refuse to wear tennis shoes and still be wearing flip flops dispite the above mentioned below freezing temps. (I'm also thankful for run-on-sentences...they make my life so much easier!) Also in this category...I am thankful for my friends! I would not have even this small sliver of sanity that I somehow manage to hold on to without them! So, thanks girls!! xoxoxo

Excited to get my passport and spend yet another guaranteed fab weekend away with a very good friend!!! :D Also greatly anticipating saturday night out w/ my girls for C's bachelorette party...expecting nothing less than a BLAST!

In love with my spiked coffee right now!!! What? Who drinks coffee at 11 o'clock at night?? I do...when it's spiked! ;)

Going to bed night ya'll!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

My deep dark little secret...

I want to roam. Is that horrible? I crave such peace and quiet. I crave to only have to answer to myself. I crave to sleep in if I so choose, or blast my music till the speakers are about to blow and you can't even hear yourself think. I crave to drive around for hours with no real place to be able to stop and take pictures if I want or rumage through a fabulous little antique store if that's what tickles my fancy. I crave quiet corners in bookstores and white chocolate mochas in corner cafes. I crave cups of tea while I'm wrapped up in my fav blanket w/ my fav book...or books. I crave weekends ALONE in the country w/ a fireplace and no one but myself. I love people, really I do! I love my friends and my family and my children...but I'm a giver. I'm a go w/ the flow type of a person. Usually I REALLY don't care what we do as long as I'm w/ people that I enjoy. But after so long people start to forget that I DO have opinions and ideas and feelings...after so long it stops being important to anyone what I think or what I want to do. My fault really for never standing up for myself. Even w/ all that said, it's just how it is and it leavs me wanting to live, if even for a moment, only by my terms. OBVIOUSLY I don't roam or spend weekends alone in the country side, or blast my music or run away and hide in the bookstore...because I can't. My resposibilities leave me bound to a very small corner of the world...for now. And even though I crave me time (guilt free me time) soooo deeply I can almost taste it...I wouldn't trade my childrens laughter and hugs & kisses for any amount of peace and quiet in the universe...only their screams and tantrums lol!! :D
Hopefully some day it wont be so hard to balance. And I know that as much as I'm looking forward to the day when I have free time overflowing, I will miss my kids and miss being needed by them. One of the hardest things for me is living in the present and remaining thankfull for what I have...I'm always thankfull but slowing down to remind myself to be thankful is hard sometimes. And in the midst of this time of thanksgiving and reflection, I find myself longing to curl up next to a fireplace alone in a cottage in the country...Ahhhhh!!! BUT for now I'll be thankfull for this quiet moment I had to write this blog and I'll hug & kiss my babies when they wake up and I'll memorize the sound of their laughter as I watch them play...and I'll be thankful for their health, and their happiness and their abundance of wisdom and knowledg and wonder and faith...I'll get to my "me" time alone peace and quiet. And when I do,I'll probably write a blog about how I miss my kids laughter. Here's to living in the moment. In the's called the present because it's a gift and I'm going to try and remember that in those moments when I want to run away and hide.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Oceans and seas ablaze by words. Hopeing for insight, recieving blinding nonchalance...wanting to swim, not float. Run away...far away and hide in the shadows. Remember not for it was nothing and holds no this doesn't and that doesn't as well. Return then too what? A cold empty bed awaits even with his body in it...lieing still under the heavy covers of red wine...breathing in and out the air of absent effort...wondering where the feelings went...they shriveled up and died in the dark...sad really, as all death is and no mourners are paying their tears left to shed...yes, very sad is the end.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

My heart is sad...

Today has been a sad day for me along with the rest of the nation watching in horror as the events unfolded at Fort Hood. My heart simply aches for the families and for the people who lost their lives today. I can't imagine the bravery it takes to be a soldier or a soldiers family for that matter. I stand in awe daily at the fact that there are people out there living lives I can't even imagine and I'm thankful for all they do to make sure our freedoms stay in tact and our safety is guaranteed. So it seems painfully ironic that these people died today at the hand of a fellow soldier and on our own land.
I admit that I NEVER watch the news...ever! I would be a walking ball of anxiety and I don't fancy doing that to myself. But today when a friend told me to turn on the news I was glued to the tv. I sat there folding clothes going, "" and shaking my head in does someone do this? Every one's asking WHY? Sure that's a valid question...why would someone do this?? What's the motive? But what I don't understand is HOW. How does someone get to a place where human life is insignificant...easily disposable? Granted this is coming from a girl who doesn't want her kids torturing bugs and who never grew up around hunting and who gets nauseous (literally) if she has to hold a gun or be in the presence of fighting or aggression. I'm a woman...I'm a lover...I'm a mother! I GIVE life and I VALUE people and it is so beyond my wildest imagination how some people don't. (side note just, for clarification...I don't have a problem w/ people who have guns or who hunt or even torture bugs's just not my thing)
I'm just sad...and in a perfect world all those men and women could come home and be with their families for good and there wouldn't be a need for a military at all. We obviously don't live in even a sliver of a perfect till then I can pray and support in whatever ways possible and hug my kids a little tighter and be thankful for every good thing we DO have.
All that being said...let us not forget that this war has been going on for years. And if not this one then the one before it and the one before that one and so on. Just because we can't imagine it or because we don't watch the news doesn't mean it's not reality! I'm speaking mostly to myself here but I really think alot of people have a very detached thinking when it comes to this subject. Because it is honestly easier not to think about it. People die EVERY day over there fighting for our country...fighting for their lives in time spent if not in death. Giving up seeing their babies being born or all the little firsts that happen in that first year...missing birthdays and Christmases and games and holiday recitals at school...everything that I end up taking for granted on a daily basis. None of that is really a revelation. But I think writing it down and acknowledging it adds a sort of validation for what they do and how much they give up for our country. All my prayers and thoughts and gratitude go out to every person out there who has made and is making that sacrifice for us...thank you!!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

I know I'm's all good!

So even tho I already have 2...yes one and two...other blogs I had to have another one. Let me quickly explain. I think I may possibly be borderline ocd lol! I know, I know it's not all that funny for people who may actually suffer from the condition but I'm not poking fun. I think I may actually be borderline ocd. With this blog for example, I couldn't EVER stand even the thought of adding a personal post to one of my other blogs. Just like I couldn't stand the thought of adding one of my photo posts to my family's all got to be seperate, at least in my case. I can read someone elses blog and it doesn't bother me one bit if they have combined every aspect of their life into just one blog...but for me, in my mind, it was just unbearable! I know I'm crazy, laugh all you's all good tho lol!!
So here I am at blog number three (3) and I'm pondering what to write....hmmmmmm...that's me pondering lol! It's been a while, and life's been sort of hairy the past few weeks, so I KNOW I could just unload...but I'm not going to. Why?!? I don't really know why actually. Fear I guess, that I'd actually have to face my demons by way of writing about them...or fear that I'm not worthy to be listened to...Idk. But when life gets like this for me I tend to do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING...and it's exhausting to be honest. To feel like a box is closing in around you and that the bottom could fall out at any moment is a scary feeling! But to feel that way and know that you aren't doing anything to get out of the disappointing. I'm disappiointed in myself for being scared and frozen. Not knowing how or when to take the first step, or in what fast or slow to move...where it will take you...if it will be better or worse. Do I have the ability to do what I need to do and not end up walking myself off a clif...I don't I don't move. And I'm exhausted in the midst of all this NOT moving. OOPS...I said I wasn't going to face my demons today lol, so I better stop!
I am trying to kick my booty back into shape tho. Good shape lol! Crystal and Shannon's wedding is in like 2 1/2 months and it's good motivaion for me to actually stick to a workout for longer than two weeks or a month lol!!! I'm wearing a strapless dress so my arms and back have got to be killer!! At least that's the goal :) Throw in a few health benifits and I'll be happy!! :)
xo Kash