I want to roam. Is that horrible? I crave such peace and quiet. I crave to only have to answer to myself. I crave to sleep in if I so choose, or blast my music till the speakers are about to blow and you can't even hear yourself think. I crave to drive around for hours with no real place to go...to be able to stop and take pictures if I want or rumage through a fabulous little antique store if that's what tickles my fancy. I crave quiet corners in bookstores and white chocolate mochas in corner cafes. I crave cups of tea while I'm wrapped up in my fav blanket w/ my fav book...or books. I crave weekends ALONE in the country w/ a fireplace and no one but myself. I love people, really I do! I love my friends and my family and my children...but I'm a giver. I'm a go w/ the flow type of a person. Usually I REALLY don't care what we do as long as I'm w/ people that I enjoy. But after so long people start to forget that I DO have opinions and ideas and feelings...after so long it stops being important to anyone what I think or what I want to do. My fault really for never standing up for myself. Even w/ all that said, it's just how it is and it leavs me wanting to live, if even for a moment, only by my terms. OBVIOUSLY I don't roam or spend weekends alone in the country side, or blast my music or run away and hide in the bookstore...because I can't. My resposibilities leave me bound to a very small corner of the world...for now. And even though I crave me time (guilt free me time) soooo deeply I can almost taste it...I wouldn't trade my childrens laughter and hugs & kisses for any amount of peace and quiet in the universe...only their screams and tantrums lol!! :D
Hopefully some day it wont be so hard to balance. And I know that as much as I'm looking forward to the day when I have free time overflowing, I will miss my kids and miss being needed by them. One of the hardest things for me is living in the present and remaining thankfull for what I have...I'm always thankfull but slowing down to remind myself to be thankful is hard sometimes. And in the midst of this time of thanksgiving and reflection, I find myself longing to curl up next to a fireplace alone in a cottage in the country...Ahhhhh!!! BUT for now I'll be thankfull for this quiet moment I had to write this blog and I'll hug & kiss my babies when they wake up and I'll memorize the sound of their laughter as I watch them play...and I'll be thankful for their health, and their happiness and their abundance of wisdom and knowledg and wonder and faith...I'll get to my "me" time someday...my alone peace and quiet. And when I do,I'll probably write a blog about how I miss my kids laughter. Here's to living in the moment. In the present...it's called the present because it's a gift and I'm going to try and remember that in those moments when I want to run away and hide.